Partner B: Youd like me to be more engaged with you during dinner. Or a Narcissist First? Of course, a man who is distancing has the same responsibility. Pursuers are more motivated to initiate change in order to get the spouse back. Refer to the list above of pursuer and distancer characteristics to identify unhealthy attachment patterns in your beloved. Id like to know what youre thinking when I share my feelings with you. Common among the many ways of creating distance in intimate relationships. While all couples need autonomy and closeness, many partners struggle with the pursuer-distancer dance and feel chronically dissatisfied with their degree of intimacy. | She is a contributor to Huffington Post, TheGoodMenProject, The Gottman Institute Blog, andMarriage.com. Hence, the attraction! When this happens, the behavior of each partner provokes and maintains the behavior of the other.". Here three are productive examples of bids for attention that can help couples grow together: Rather than expressing criticism or contempt, this type of dialogue will hopefully foster positive communication since the intent is to get information rather than to criticize or nag. How to Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship? Unhappy partners often find themselves deciding whether financial security or a romantic relationship matters more. With this in mind, itll be easy to avoid the pursuer distancer pattern in romantic relationships. The people you love are making bids for your attention. If we want to pay a professional to talk about itwell, he should, too. [i] See more on this dynamic in Susan Johnsons book (2002). They are anxious about the distance their partner has created and take it personally. One of the best ways to break the pursuer distancer pattern is by. Positive social relationships can positively impact our mental and physical health, possible due to a phenomenon called social buffering. One of the best ways to break the pursuer distancer pattern is by seeking professional help with your romantic relationship. This is the reality faced by the pursuer men I work with. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle. If something does not change, both begin to feel criticized and develop contempt for each other two signs their marriage is doomed to fail, according to Dr. Gottman. The pursuer is the one in more distress about the distance, and more motivated to change the pattern. What are the gains[ii] of being a pursuer? Any attempt by the pursuer to get more closeness in the relationship, then, is met with resistanceand more distance.